It seems everywhere you go, if people know you, you will end up in a conversation about being thrown away. \u00a0What this does for the one asking, is inform them about something they can’t possibly understand. \u00a0It’s good that they want to know, most of the time, but still, you can look at their eyes and see that they don’t have a CLUE about the devastating impact of being thrown away. \u00a0Good for them that they haven’t experienced the tragedy, and of course you know that if they HAD experienced it, they wouldn’t ask about it. \u00a0It’s too painful to re-live. \u00a0You guys know this stuff by now.<\/p>\n
So I had a really nice visit with some friends yesterday, on the heels of putting flowers on the graves of three loved ones. \u00a0I almost added “who died” but then I thought, of course they died: otherwise why would they be in graves? \u00a0See how my mind works and how quickly I can run down a rabbit trail? \u00a0Stay with me. \u00a0It goes back on track.<\/p>\n
Anyway it was an emotional endeavor, but it was good to honor my loved ones. \u00a0Then I visited my friends and we went to dinner, after which we talked until late into the evening. \u00a0One big topic, of course, was my armageddon. \u00a0Listen, I really love these people and I know they love me. \u00a0I know the reason they ask questions is because they care. And listen, even if they don’t ask directly, the topic bleeds in because you say things like, “When I was homeless…” \u00a0Crap like that.<\/p>\n
“You were homeless???” \u00a0Anddddd off we go.<\/p>\n
Afterward, as I drove home…a two and a half hour trek…I cried for the first leg of the trip. \u00a0And of course all of the emotion was once again, just at the surface. \u00a0And….it got me to thinking…<\/p>\n
I hate it when that happens. \u00a0But I got to thinking about the people who were in the passing train cars as I suffered, how they shouted misguided wisdom or even sometimes hateful discourse, all in the guise of “help”, OR didn’t bother to look for God’s sake, as they trundled past me into the comfort of their life train…leaving me in a heap beside the tracks…so to speak. \u00a0And these are people who LOVE ME PEOPLE! \u00a0LOVE! \u00a0You can’t make this stuff up!<\/p>\n
I’m sure they felt better having shared their misguided wisdom and of course that’s all that matters…that they feel good. \u00a0 I mean they TRIED to help me, but I just wouldn’t help MYSELF. \u00a0Assholes. \u00a0No really, that’s what they believe. \u00a0GRRRRR.<\/p>\n
See, I can’t help but be facetious when I talk about this stuff. \u00a0I mean people really piss me off. \u00a0I call them smooth-brains. \u00a0But I digress. \u00a0Again.<\/p>\n
What does it mean when you get angry because you get sad? \u00a0I think that’s got a label somewhere.<\/p>\n
And it suddenly stuck me…nobody hugged me, she said, finally getting to the point. \u00a0As broken as I was when I was discarded, as emotionally traumatized as I was, as alone as I felt and as embarrassed as I felt…you know all of the feelings…NOBODY HUGGED ME. \u00a0NO BO DY. And I wondered….<\/p>\n
Am I unhuggable? \u00a0Am I not worthy of having anybody reach out in true caring love?<\/p>\n
See, it’s been six years…five years…heck I can’t remember anymore. \u00a0Six. \u00a0It’s been six years, and \u00a0STILL these self destructive thoughts come crashing in. \u00a0NO. \u00a0I am NOT unhuggable. \u00a0And YES I AM worthy of caring love. \u00a0By society’s standards I’m more WORTHY of hugs and love than some of the assholes who treated me like garbage and reinforced the trauma. \u00a0Oh yeah, I’m in the anger phase. \u00a0But the GOOD thing is that I finally GET IT that I’m a VERY good person. And I get it that the train riders are out of my life. \u00a0Period. \u00a0My standards are higher now. \u00a0Oh look: A benefit.<\/p>\n
Are you following this crap? \u00a0After all of this time, the PARADIGM of having been thrown away and society’s view of it still pollute my emotions. \u00a0After all of this time, a deeply seated part of me still believes somehow it’s my fault. \u00a0And that’s wrong. \u00a0It wasn’t me. \u00a0It was a person with no integrity, a liar and cheater, who was at fault. \u00a0I was targeted by him BECAUSE I am huggable and BECAUSE I am worthy worthy of love. \u00a0Precisely those reasons. \u00a0And I happened to have a lot of investment assets, which made me a HUGE target…just so you know I’m not all THAT lovable. \u00a0I mean, I’m pretty doggone good, but I’m not perfect. \u00a0Close though. \u00a0hahaha.<\/p>\n
Bottom line is this. \u00a0After you send some anonymous cash to someone…as I suggested in the last blog entry? \u00a0HUG THEM, DAMNIT. \u00a0It doesn’t cost you a DIME to give someone a hug…and not a meaningless AIR HUG. \u00a0I mean a REAL HUG, and let them know they are NOT invisible and that they DO matter. \u00a0And if you are not trying to pick their POCKET while you hug them, then you just might be a keeper \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n
And oh, while my anger phase is in full swing? \u00a0I still have my sense of humor. \u00a0HA. \u00a0The cheating, lying asshole couldn’t take THAT.<\/p>\n
I’ll try to be nice next time, but I can’t promise. \u00a0The anger phase is good for me. \u00a0And NECESSARY. \u00a0That’s what all of the experts say…<\/p>\n
I’ll be back.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
It seems everywhere you go, if people know you, you will end up in a conversation about being thrown away. \u00a0What this does for the one asking, is inform them about something they can’t possibly understand. \u00a0It’s good that they … Continue reading