It’s been a while since I wrote to you out there. \u00a0That’s, in part, because I’m getting my life back. \u00a0I feel more like me than I have in years. \u00a0I was told it would take ten years to shake off the trauma of being thrown away, and that turns out to be pretty accurate. \u00a0This metric was given to me by a veteran thrown away wife. \u00a0She nailed it. \u00a0 In another year, it will be 10 years since my ‘armageddon’, and I believe that by that time, I might even be better than I am today.<\/p>\n
I feel like me again, finally. \u00a0It’s good to be back with my sense of humor, my confidence, my feeling that nothing is beyond my reach. \u00a0Remember when I couldn’t remember whether my precious pet was male or female when I went to buy a leash? \u00a0When I stood before two bathroom doors, one for men and one for women, being unsure how to proceed? \u00a0That terrible cloud is gone forever from my life, that awful lack of ability to think straight. \u00a0I feel good again, actually good. \u00a0I feel like being around people again. \u00a0Remember when I wanted to curl up in a ball and disappear? \u00a0Yes, nine years ago, and for many years after I felt that way, that I wanted never to have existed in the universe; it wasn’t enough to hide.<\/p>\n
The worst and longest lasting side effect of being thrown away is the broken relationships AROUND the marriage, the collateral damage. \u00a0Sometimes those relationships heal in the requisite decade, but not always and not all. \u00a0I once wrote that every single relationship in my life was broken, and they were. \u00a0Some few are knitting back together and some never will…and some that never will are gladly gone. \u00a0I’m a different person now, and some of the people I cared about and whom I believed cared about me…were just fakes. \u00a0I can see that now, and can’t believe I couldn’t see it all along. I was surrounded by people who didn’t care about me. \u00a0Why? Because I ‘invited’ them in. I didn’t expect to be treated with love and respect, because I had no clue what love really looked like.<\/p>\n
But, fellow throw-aways, it is true that healing happens. \u00a0It is true that you are not forever gone, you are not worthless, you are not unloved. \u00a0It is also true that some of your relationships are gone forever. And that is okay! \u00a0Here’s why.<\/p>\n
See, when you are broken into so many pieces, even when you are reassembled, you might look like you, but you’re a scarred you, and in some ways, surprisingly, a stronger you. \u00a0You are also damned determined never to be broken to that extent again. \u00a0If you paid attention along the recovering journey, you have realized some important things about yourself that you never knew before…like how strong you really are. \u00a0And I’d bet that you were once a person who gave people a LOT of passes, people who didn’t treat you well. \u00a0It’s easy to rationalize away bad behavior when you ‘love’ someone. \u00a0But just know, or learn, that giving people passes also gives them permission to treat you badly. \u00a0Eventually they learn that they can ‘dis’ you and get away with it, and human nature means that they will continue that behavior and even escalate it.<\/p>\n
You teach people how to treat you.<\/p>\n
Among the wreckage of my armageddon are fake friendships revealed, traitors and betrayers brought into the light, people’s true feelings about me revealed, and a lot of surprised people who can’t believe I won’t associate with them anymore. \u00a0After all, I always let them treat me like crap before! \u00a0What’s different now? \u00a0 Here’s what’s different: \u00a0I learned what love it and what it is NOT. \u00a0I learned that trust is earned, not handed out freely, and I have learned that an untrustworthy person is….not to be trusted. \u00a0Seems simple, doesn’t it? \u00a0How many times, though, have you allowed a person to lie to you and still stick around?<\/p>\n
The biggest revelation for me was finally understanding what love is. \u00a0I questioned it a lot, remember? \u00a0How can anyone who EVER loved me do this to me? \u00a0Why do people who ‘love’ me, treat me like a virus now, when I need them? \u00a0Remember? \u00a0Well here’s how: \u00a0What they showed me was not love, even though among all of them, they must have said, “I love you!” a thousands of times. \u00a0Some of them still do, by the way. \u00a0Amazingly, they do. \u00a0And I shake my head, partly out of sheer disbelief. \u00a0Why? \u00a0They really think they do love me. \u00a0But I, on the other hand, do not love them. \u00a0They do not deserve my love. \u00a0They might be around, but will never get within arms length of me again. \u00a0Their loss, by the way.<\/p>\n
I agonized over love, prayed about it. What IS love that it can be so horrible, so damaging, so hurtful? \u00a0Where can I find it, the real thing? \u00a0Well, first, love is never horrible, damaging or hurtful. \u00a0Love is never any of the negatives. \u00a0It’s just not. \u00a0Love is good, kind, protective, safe. \u00a0In answer to a thousand prayers, I learned that to some, love is possession. \u00a0These are the people who bully and badger you into being what they insist you be. To them, you are not good enough the way God created you. \u00a0To some, love is abuse. \u00a0To them, you are their personal punching bag, there to provide an abusive way for them to destress. \u00a0To some, you are a host. \u00a0You are there to support them, pay their way in life, feed them and their ego. \u00a0They are parasites.<\/p>\n
Well, then, what IS love?<\/p>\n
Remember when I said it was God, only God, who got me through? \u00a0Well that, my friends, is where you find love. \u00a0You find the definition of it, literally, and you see the illustration of it, in God’s word. \u00a0In answer to a prayer, I was told to stop looking at the wrong illustration of it, and look to God. \u00a0If you want to know what love is, read God’s definition. Seems simple, doesn’t it? \u00a0But we who are thrown away do not love ourselves enough to understand love. \u00a0So yes, look to God’s word. Read the definition. \u00a0And start looking away from the ones who do not embody that definition. \u00a0Look instead to the ones who live the kind of love day in and day out, and open the door and your heart to them.<\/p>\n
And keep walking through the valley. \u00a0There is sunshine ahead!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
It’s been a while since I wrote to you out there. \u00a0That’s, in part, because I’m getting my life back. \u00a0I feel more like me than I have in years. \u00a0I was told it would take ten years to shake … Continue reading