I hear from so many throw-aways about, and felt myself, the crushing depression and humiliation in the aftermath of discovering my ex’s affair and subsequently being thrown away. \u00a0There’s a documentable progression through this horror, and it’s not like any timeline you’ve been used to. \u00a0It’s longer. \u00a0A LOT longer. \u00a0People who have come through the valley cite ten years. \u00a0TEN. And the first one will be a year of shock and terror.<\/p>\n
Women like us have had upsets in our lives, of course, and we’ve worked through and past them, sometimes without missing a beat. \u00a0But this one, this experience of being thrown away in mid-life, is not like anything we have EVER experienced. \u00a0The hurt is worse because it’s dissolved in humiliation, and without a doubt the largest component is horror. \u00a0Yes, I said horror, and trauma. \u00a0We experience trauma of the sort that has physical ramifications and which effects our emotions and psyches in what is called post-traumatic stress. \u00a0There are MIRIAD signs and symptoms of PTS and EVERYBODY misses them. \u00a0Instead they blame you for not “moving on” and “getting over it” and I mean they do this while you are still in shock. \u00a0Amazing.<\/p>\n
We are facing the end our our productive years in terms of earning ability and we planned for that eventuality with our partner, our husband, as the other half of the earning team. \u00a0That was the deal: Until death do us part. \u00a0But in this case, without fail, husbands do everything in their power to NOT contribute to the financial well being of the wife, even though adultery is involved almost always, and even when the law sets out rules for equitable distribution of assets. \u00a0In my case my ex worked very hard to funnel money out of the accounts, to deplete my assets, I think in an effort to make me unable to afford legal representation. \u00a0It didn’t work completely, but it did to some extent.<\/p>\n
But these excuses for husbands are experiencing their own mid life crisis. \u00a0Trouble is, these guys take it out on the one person who has been in their corner for YEARS. \u00a0Unfortunately this type of guy always blames his angst on the one closest to him…because he can’t take responsibility for his own actions or feelings…on his wife. \u00a0He justifies throwing her away because he doesn’t FEEL good anymore (this is a cycle by the way) and he blames it on her; oh, and this is the reason for his affair: \u00a0It’s all HER fault. \u00a0Please. I call this the S**thead syndrome: Dishonest, stunning lack of integrity, narcissistic, chronically unfaithful, fiscally irresponsible, charming, master manipulators, passive aggressive, unable to take responsibility for their own lives, controlling, completely comfortable slandering their wife. I’m sure psychiatrists have a better “syndrome” word for it in their world but in my world and in the world of other throw-aways, my word works just fine.<\/p>\n
What happens, then, is that a once-productive member of society (the WIFE) is now facing poverty, and these women, folks, have not been in that situation before. \u00a0We were productive and industrious, usually financially well off and disciplined…which was why we were targeted in the first place. In other words, we are the opposite of the syndrome I so colorfully coined and the absolute perfect match for a loser: we provided stability and money.<\/p>\n
Our feelings… go completely awry. \u00a0We live in a \u00a0cocktail of depression, sadness, fear, anxiety, humiliation, embarrassment and a feeling of being chronically lost. \u00a0We feel unloved, we ARE misunderstood and we feel that, we feel as though we are falling with no bottom in sight, we feel scared out of our mind, and we feel as though we do not fit in ANYWHERE…primarily because we don’t. \u00a0 And people tell us to smile. \u00a0I shake my head at the insensitiveness and disconnectedness.<\/p>\n
But what we women MUST understand is this: \u00a0We CANNOT sit down and slump into the darkness. \u00a0It is IMPERATIVE that we take steps every single day no matter HOW bad we feel. \u00a0We must work, we must exercise, we must connect with people…yes even the insensitive ones, and we must keep moving forward. \u00a0Listen, people will think you are okay when they see you doing normal things. \u00a0They won’t know you’re a zombie, because they don’t pay attention and they don’t care. \u00a0But the important one is YOU, DOING something, anything. \u00a0Every step, every single one, is a success you need.<\/p>\n
Listen, I would say 99 percent of the thrown away women I have met have done this: They have moved forward. \u00a0But there are those who sit down and wail and moan and spin around in circles with temper tantrums and never take one step forward. \u00a0These women sink into their circumstance and wiggle into it, making it fit better. \u00a0And they stay there, learning the nuances of their behavior so it becomes natural. \u00a0It becomes their ‘normal’. \u00a0And they start accumulating worker bees to carry their slime, because incessant whining is slime, and to listen to their constant complaints instead of having them watch their inch-wise progress. \u00a0Yep, inch-wise; that’s how it is. \u00a0But that’s okay. \u00a0It is still progress. \u00a0Whiners don’t want progress. \u00a0But the worker bees end up getting stuck right there, enabling people who do not want to get well.<\/p>\n
Girls, you can’t do this. \u00a0Get up and just take ONE STEP. \u00a0Because if you do not, the people who DO care about you, the precious few, will get it that you do NOT want to get well. \u00a0Yes, I said that. \u00a0If you don’t WANT to get well, that message will come through loudly and clearly. \u00a0I KNOW what it looks like when someone wants to get back on track: \u00a0I look in the mirror. \u00a0We who are in this valley ahead of you or beside you cannot stop our forward progress while you become addicted to victimization. \u00a0If we do, we will never<\/em> see the end of the valley, feel the sunshine\u00a0again. \u00a0And you have no right to expect that either. \u00a0Our sunshine was stolen from us, just as yours was, but we INTEND to get it back. \u00a0 Yeah, it will be fractured and dimmer and cooler, but by God we will get it back.<\/p>\n Yes, you will be lost and afraid. \u00a0But you can still stand up and take one step forward. \u00a0Even if it seems like you can’t, YOU CAN. \u00a0Don’t even think about telling me you can’t; I know better. \u00a0I know. \u00a0Probably, every relationship you valued will be lost or severely damaged because of this ordeal, even though YOU DID NOT SIGN UP FOR IT. \u00a0But that’s the reality. \u00a0Ours did too! \u00a0But we are moving forward. \u00a0So make new friends. \u00a0Build another “family”. \u00a0Do something ELSE, something different, yes, than what you had before, but do SOMETHING. \u00a0I have said this before: \u00a0Almost all of my friends now are people I did not know before I was thrown away. \u00a0That’s the reality, ladies. \u00a0Get that straight, get used to the idea. \u00a0It takes a while…years. \u00a0 \u00a0But it is what it is. \u00a0And it is progress…and some of these people are better friends than I EVER had before, by the way.<\/p>\n As long as your sisters in this valley see you doing something to help yourself, they will cheer you on and help to the extent they can. \u00a0Others, the ones who have never experienced this? \u00a0Don’t expect a thing from them. \u00a0But your sisters will be there for you. \u00a0If you sit down and start liking the stench, you will sit there alone. You will be left behind by those of us who do not intend to let a heartless liar with no integrity and a streak of cowardice steal our lives. \u00a0We will not. \u00a0CLEARLY these men are not worth that. \u00a0So get up. \u00a0GET. \u00a0UP.<\/p>\n You have been victimized, but DON’T be a victim. \u00a0STAND UP. \u00a0I know it’s hard; you don’t have to tell me. \u00a0I’ve been walking this path for years ahead of you. \u00a0The key is that I have been WALKING it, not sitting down and wailing about it.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I hear from so many throw-aways about, and felt myself, the crushing depression and humiliation in the aftermath of discovering my ex’s affair and subsequently being thrown away. \u00a0There’s a documentable progression through this horror, and it’s not like any … Continue reading