Hidden Anger…Or Not

There is another obstacle thrown away women face and which I haven’t really talked about: Anger.  For some of us it remains just below the surface and for others it rages right out in the open for everyone to see.  I think most of us are overtly angry once we come out of the shock stage and that’s to be expected.  It makes sense, and it’s one of the stages of grief, which is also experienced when the marriage ends.  But the kind of anger I’m talking about here is the kind that rears up and sticks to you and changes you.

I went through what I called my “primal scream” phase, where I felt as though I was pulling back on the reigns of anger all the time, just to keep it from running away with me.  At times it was hard to control, but I thought if I let the scream out it would never stop.  That passed, of course, but I still feel buried anger. It rises up every time I can’t afford a doctor when I’m sick, or I need clothes and can’t buy them.  I didn’t sign up for this, and would never have been in this situation had I not met my ex.  I get angry when I think about how much better off I’d be now, had I never let him into my life. I know.  Water under the bridge and all that.

But the thing is, there are some women who let this anger rule their life.  They come apart at the seams and it is apparent to everyone observing them that the wheels are OFF.  But these angry women don’t care.  They choose to scream and stomp and swing the anger around like a weapon.  Thing is, this weapon hurts nobody but them because everybody else can leave.

I was thinking about one of those women today as I drove home.  This person is attractive and smart, has a good sense of humor, used to be a pleasure to be around.  But when the wheels came off, all anybody could do was run.  I have rarely seen such venomous behavior, and thought I was witnessing someone actually going crazy.

It came to mind again, that a person can either choose to roll around in the pain and misery and become accustomed to the smell and taste of it…even come to like it… or they can choose to get past it.  I chose to move forward, even though it felt like I wasn’t moving at  all sometimes.  I kept at least some forward momentum…still do.  What’s the difference?  Why do some move forward and others sit down and waste precious time?  I don’t know.  Maybe I have more patience than some.  Maybe I have what it takes to stick with a goal until I reach it.  Maybe I’m just stubborn or stupid! or maybe I know if I don’t do it, nobody will.  Not sure.  But clearly, it’s good idea to put as much distance between us and catastrophe as we can.  And whether you call it pain or anger or disaster or WHATEVER, it must be shaken off.  Otherwise you allow a person with no character to ruin yours.  If it is such a horrible thing to have someone throw us away, why in God’s name would we want to languish on the trash heap?

People are adaptable.  And we can adapt to garbage too (think hoarder).  Be aware of that and shake that s*$t off.  Keep walking through that valley and WIN!  We’re all grown up now.  Nobody’s going to come and lift us out.  We have to do it ourselves.

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