You Need to Prepare

It has been a long time since I was thrown away, and I’m not so sure I wasn’t supposed to be ‘disappeared’. In reality, I think I was. I was traumatized in a way that took a decade to get through. I suffered from post traumatic stress syndrome and completely lost my ability to think clearly. It was excruciating navigating my way back to a place of healing. It took a LONG time, but now I’m better able to think clearly and more importantly, to see the signs. They’re everywhere.

We live in a time when fidelity is not the goal anymore. Not even on the radar. Marriage vows are superfluous and should be just done away with. NOBODY means what they spend HOURS trying to create for that ‘special day’. Our society has decided that going to the lowest, basest point available is the way to go. Pathetic. We are not animals, but the ‘mainstream’ wants us to be and maybe the new generations want to be, more-so than the previous ones.. I’ve always felt like being able to control one’s basic instincts…animal instincts…is one of the things that SEPARATES us from animals. But pornography is big business and keeping it in the forefront is lucrative, for them and for divorce attorneys…and morticians these days. So now even toothpaste adds are soft porn many times. So, there are plenty of men going to sex addiction meetings, supposedly in an effort go shake off the damage porn does. It doesn’t work, by the way. Look at the stats. If your husband is a porn addict, just leave…while you can, that is.

Men don’t realize how easily women can pick up on heavy porn use by the husband. It changes men in myriad ways, not the least of which is that it pulls them inside themselves. I’ve read that men only reach out to women in connecting ways to get sex, and once they get it online, they have no need to connect with us. I’ve LIVED that and I know it to be true. And it leads to infidelity, always. The only saving grace, the only balancing of the universe for the thrown away wives, is that the cheating women…who know the man is married…end up with a cheater and a liar, and they go through the same thing WE went through, only an order of magnitude worse, as the addiction flourishes. The cheating women don’t know they are just a vessel, an element of the man’s sex addiction…but they find out soon enough. And I have to say that in my situation, I had to smile about what this person was getting herself into, because she worked VERY hard to take my life from me, not knowing she was getting a mess of a human being… and it ended badly, by the way. Did that give me an element of satisfaction? You bet your ass it did.

What is puzzling to me is how much society has given up on the desire to have some level of integrity. Cheating is wrong. I don’t care how good it makes your body parts feel, it’s wrong. But it is becoming normal, or maybe HAS become normal.

A LOT of men are willing to DESTROY many lives for nothing more than friction, if you just look at the unadulterated act. And women can NOT understand the difference between lust and love. How many times have you heard a man say that he saw her and immediately fell in love. NO. He saw her and immediately fell in LUST. Fine, men, go ahead with that base behavior. I think that’s probably how you are wired, in a fundamental ‘visual’ way. It’s the women I am focused on, because we are the ones getting killed, dismembered, burned, destroyed.

Women, you had better control YOUR urges enough to think about the difference between love and lust. You LIFE may depend on it. My God, I see so many news items and youtube videos about missing women and shortly following, arrest photos of the husbands trying to look pitiful, and then the court proceedings and the conviction. Women, if you are not prepared for this crap, you might end up in a shallow grave.

You need to know that, because the divorce rate is so high; and because society condones cheating, chances are it will happen to you. You will be LUCKY if divorce is the course, rather than murder. Murder is becoming ‘popular’ in place of divorce and child support.

What is the solution? There’s not one. The only things you can do is LEARN the difference between lust and love, and take the time to see what your new ‘love’ is ACTUALLY feeling, and then for God’s sake, learn about narcissism. Oh that’s HUGE. A narcissist ONLY wants you for what you can GIVE them or DO for them, and once they have all they need from you (usually money and property), you have ZERO value to them and they are not wired to feel ANYTHING for you…hence the shallow grave I mentioned.

Let me say that again: A narcissist has NO feelings for you; they are just good actors. If you don’t believe me, go to youtube and watch some videos about it. It’ll scare the shit out of you.

It seems simple, but it’s not. Once you get hormones involved, women, you are an easy target for predators. Why? Because we thrive on intimacy. Guess what men thrive on. If you have a brain, just use it.

Finally, let me just say that karma IS a bitch; what goes around really DOES come around. The saying that “no good can come of this” is true. There’s always a trail of scorched earth behind men who elect to dig into illicit affairs that destroy a family or two. Just check it out. You will find that to be true.

It makes me angry when men kill women over an affair. Really mad. But I am encouraged that convictions are happening WITHOUT the body of the murdered wives. That might help a little bit. But women, be smart. Keep your finances separate, set up a secret account so you can survive if this crap happens in your life. And GET A FREAKING JOB. Have an income you can rely on and which will, at least for now, produce social security. And if you are near, in or past menopause, sleep with one eye open. Unless your husband is not a narcissist.

Suzanne Morphew, Susan Powell, Shannon Watts and All of the other Missing Wives

Each day, three women are killed by their intimate partners.  That’s from a domestic violence website,  I didn’t go there because of a violent situation; I went there because I watch a lot of crime shows on youtube and I’m overwhelmed by the number of husbands who claim their wife ‘ran off with another man’ or ‘got kidnapped’ or ‘dragged off by a MOUNTAIN LION’.  I’m sick to death of it and I’m tired of these men getting a pass on murder.

And I’m pissed off at the saying, “No body, no murder conviction”.  That needs to change.  RIGHT NOW.  When a wife disappears under mysterious circumstances, and the husband tries to eat his own lips while on camera AND he’s found to have another woman OR a bobcat…GUILTY!  End of discussion!  Women, we need to put our foot down about this crap!

Women, when your friend says, “If anything happens to me, even if it looks like an accident, it wasn’t”, say something!  Have a little chat with the husband to let him know he’s being watched.  Don’t let your friends suffer the fate of Susan Powell. That poor woman!  Her body has never been found.  Terrible, terrible situation.

Even better, women, get the HELL OUT of these relationships where you know you are in danger.  Please!

What we need is a Ninja squad of OTHER women who deploy to the site of the surviving husband’s house. That’s what we need.  I don’t know!  He just burst into blood!  Probably trying to run off with another woman!  Well it works for the MEN, doesn’t it?

Oh I’m not really going after these men.  I’M not a murderer like they are.  And at least Josh Powell had the good sense to take himself out.  Unfortunately and very sadly, he took his two boys with him.  That was pure evil.

My point of all of this is that men are killing their wives at an alarming rate, people!  If you are in a marriage with a man who views marriage as OWNERSHIP, you’re in deep trouble if you try to leave.  PLEASE get help getting out.  This type of man is dangerous when his ‘property’ is about to leave him.  OR when he finds another toy to play with.

Okay Cheating Men, Stop Killing Your Wives!

Have you ever read a book, or watched a movie so many times you can recite the script before it arrives?  I have.  I watch Pride and Prejudice every time life gets tough.  The one with Matthew MacFayden, that one.  Okay and Keira Knightly.  I probably misspelled both names but I don’t really care; it’s the MOVIE I love, and of course both actors nailed their role.  AND as usual, I digress, but it’s because this is a tough topic.  It’s the one where the husband murders his wife -of-many-years and then wears his ass out trying to cover it up!  It hardly ever works, but OH NO that doesn’t stop them.  Remember the MANY wives-of-many-years who ‘got drunk’ and ‘fell off of a cruise ship’ a few years back?  I think I wrote something about that, like: Whatever you do, don’t go on a cruise!  Go with your girlfriends anyway; you’ll have WAY more fun.  As for me, you’d have to kill me to get me ON a cruise ship.  I don’t like people well enough to be trapped at sea with them. Hey, maybe that’s why my ex never invited me on a cruise! hahaha.

Every  wife who  ‘goes missing’ has ‘run off with another man’ or ‘been abducted’.   Oh wait, or has ‘been attacked by a mountain lion’.  AND then months or years later, the husband is nailed for murdering her.  Oh what a surprise.  It’s like watching a dark Pride and Prejudice over and over!  Wait for it! and place your bets ladies and gentlemen, on when the other woman shows up OR the financial motive arrives on the scene, because, come on, you KNOW one or the other, or both, are coming.  You’ve seen this movie before, right?  Oh and the subplot is that the poor defenseless other woman never KNEW he was MARRIED, or she ‘thought they were SEPARATED’.  Oh, and the man told the other ‘woman’ (I use that label SO loosely) the wife had MENTAL PROBLEMS.  I would laugh out loud at this pitiful, worn out, tattered list of defenseless attempts at ‘innocence’.  But it’s not funny.  It’s serious, but it does show how stupid cheaters are; and it shows to what lengths they will go to a) get some strange; and b) take all of the wife’s hard life’s work and make it hers.

Here’s the thing. First of all, women who have been married for twenty years don’t ‘run off’ anywhere.  We stopped running years ago once we get to THAT point.  And second, WHO ABDUCTS A MIDDLE AGED WOMAN??  Think of another excuse, you unimaginative simpletons.  You’re going to get caught, as well you should.  You’d better hope I’M not on your jury, by the way.  If you see me, go ahead and plead guilty and save the rest of us some tax dollars, because with ME on your jury?  You’re going DOWN. Guess I just made sure I won’t make THAT cut.

Listen women, if you have been married a long time and are ‘of a certain age’, will you please WAKE UP to the current paradigm that has worked up a head of steam in the world?  PAY ATTENTION.  Men have figured out that women ‘run off with another man’ and they THINK they get to KILL YOU.  And, there are younger women who can’t wait to drive your Mercedes and move into the home you’ve poured your heart and resources into.  When did the world forget that women are often the primary money source and that we work JUST as hard as the husbands?

Wife, you need to be in a situation where you can afford a mean attorney, a good private investigator and you should hope you can sue the ass off of the other woman.  IF she hasn’t gone into hiding, that is.  This means…will you please…have your own account to which he has no access?  Will you put money into it every time you get paid?  I’m telling you, a large percentage of the time, you’re gonna need that money.

Oh my husband would NEVER do that to me.  If you think that, you should know that in the murderous cases, the once kind husband becomes a completely different person, one with ice where the heart used to be.  About that, I kid you not.  I have witnessed that, first hand.  When that happens, you are nothing but a worthless object in the way of him FEELNG GOOD.

Oh and there’s a new excuse on the scene!  I almost forgot!   Want to hear it?  Here goes:  “And then, she just…died.”  HAHAHAHA.  I am sorry.  I have to laugh at that one.  People don’t ‘just die’.  But this shrimp head thinks he can use that as an excuse and get away with it.  If you watch the news, you know to whom I refer.  It brings back memories of cruises in the news.

Anyway, any man worth his salt will just divorce us, rather than trying to destroy us financially, emotionally, physically….or killing us.  Too many good women are being buried in shallow graves in the middle of mountainous terrain or back yards of suburbs, smothered in their beds or killed by other surreptitious methods right in their own homes.  Every single day that these murderous men walk free causes me pain deep in my soul.

Pay attention, women.  You are the strong one after all.   And build your life so that you have a way out, even if you never need it!  You know, in order for you to have a way out, you have to be prepared,  see the murderous intent coming and you’ve got to get other people involved when you do see it.  When the danger arrives, you have to have a team in your corner.  This one has to be public.  Sorry, but that’s how we survive.  Sometimes, even then, with all of the pleas for help and warnings, and the notes that say, “If anything happens to me, he did it”, women die anyway.  Don’t be one of them.  Be smart.  And remember, during his scheming time, he’s thinking with the LITTLE head, and that give you an advantage.

It is so hard to look at the man who once treated you so well and loved you, and see the darkness and evil intent in his eyes; I KNOW that.  I’ve been there.  But no matter how much we’d love for that to never happen, it happens.  And it happens all too often.  So many lovely women who trusted and loved their husbands, and even ones who saw the demon and couldn’t get away, are now dead, lost to the ones who actually DID love her.

So pay attention, know that there is evil out there.  Be safe, and remember you are loved and you have value and a purpose for being here.  Don’t let anybody tell you differently.


Detecting Infidelity

Remember that this site is dedicated to women over fifty whose husbands plan to throw them away.  Men like to say we get ‘traded in on a younger model’, but that is an horrific description of absolute devastation and humiliation we face this late in life.   It is also a huge sign of their lack of ability to care one whit about what they are doing to us.  Please don’t try to appeal to the ‘years we have had together’ or ‘everything we’ve built together’.  They do not CARE. They have become someone else, someone unrecognizable to us.  A LOT of these men actually KILL their spouse to make way for the girlfriend (there’s a better word for that).  You need to get that, girls.  Some women don’t survive their husbands’ midlife infidelity.

We are thrown away like garbage, with about the same regard for us as what happens to the trash after ‘the throw’.   Men who do this have zero ability to consider the pain they cause us.  They are often psychopaths, and even sociopaths, definitely narcissists, and God help us, we lived long enough to get wrinkles.  That, in their minds, makes us unwanted and unlovable, and more importantly, in the WAY.  We see a lot of crime shows about men who kill their wives, and even their CHILDREN to clear the way for the bitch they pursue.  That may sound harsh, but these women know EXACTLY what THEY are doing to you.  They know.  That makes them equally evil and worthy of the B word.  And you can bet your ass that there are WAY more dead wives than anyone knows about.  This is serious.  I think I’m alive because I discovered the affair early enough to survive it.  I never could have imagined the cold evil behavior of a husband who once ‘loved’ me.  Love…we can talk about that ALL DAY.

Most of us don’t see it coming. That’s why I write to you.  First, in our ‘society’, we SHOULD expect it.  This is what American men do.  Yeah, that’s a stereotype, but if you just look at statistics, I’m right more than I’m wrong about that.  So.  There are signs.  Not that we can stop this from happening; but we CAN be prepared…particularly financially…to survive it.  Wake up, watch what is happening in your marriage, and don’t ever think you’re safe from the combination of predatory women who want what you have worked for your whole life, and husbands who are shallow narcissists.

You know these men.  Nothing is ever their fault; it’s always your fault.  They drag you through their life, rather than forging one that the two of you design together.  They take your life and suddenly you’re living theirs.  They are spoiled and entitled; in their mind, you live to provide their needs to them.  Your finances become theirs and go down the drain as fast as they can make it happen without you noticing too quickly.  YOU are the responsible one in the relationship, the steady hard working one, the fiscally stable one.  You know this stuff.

If the man is the primary or sole wage earner and you do not have a secret account they can’t access, you’re nuts.  And that goes for ALL age groups of women.  At least, for God’s sake, save enough to pay an attorney.

First and foremost, men getting ready to dump us begin to be hyper focused on their appearance.  Why?  Because that’s their nexus.  They view women VISUALLY.  Period.  No regard for our spirit, our intelligence, our heart…forget that.  It’s ALL about how we look; therefore that’s how they think women view THEM.  So they start jogging.  They start shopping for that little teensy sports car that make them look ‘cute’.  Often that car belongs to their WIFE, the one who worked for and bought it, but I digress.  They change how they dress, even get a different hair cut.  They buy different glasses, start going out more with ‘the guys’.  They start working out.  You can spot them a mile away, jogging with their big belly leading the way.  I see them and I say, “Midlife crisis!”

Men start working on arm strength.  This is hilarious.  Mine got an arm tension bar and started using that.  Why?  Think about it.  When was the last time this guy needed arm strength in YOUR life?  Well with the young person they are pursuing, they’re going to be doing a lot of pushups.  Understand? So if any arm strength paraphernalia show up in your home, immediately go see an attorney. hahaha.  And hire a detective to follow them and get evidence of the affair.  That’s THE most important thing.  Evidence.

Listen, this often happens very suddenly.  These husbands see a target who actually gave them the time of day, and they start the plan to destroy YOUR LIFE.  They don’t see it that way because they no longer see YOU.  They never consider at all what they are about to do to you!  You need to understand that.  Usually they are so single-minded about their new goal that they don’t realize how transparent their prep work is.  Don’t do like I did and just think it’s a harmless attempt to thwart aging.  Men are NOT that deep.  If these behaviors start, you are about to become garbage.  Prepare for it.

Don’t get the impression that I despise all men.  I don’t.  Just the ones who are cold-hearted predators.  But the thing is, these assholes are EVERYWHERE, and we women don’t know it because we’ve never been over fifty before!  Only in the aftermath of our life being destroyed can we even process what happened to us!  And that’s if we survive.  Many do not.  And get this: It’s going to take you TEN YEARS to get upright again after they knock you into the pit.  How old will you be in ten years, girls?  See what I mean?

Do I hate what these men do to us, late in life?  ABSOLUTELY.  It is diabolical, unforgivable, makes me wish for them to burn in Hell for eternity.  I met SO many women suffering in the aftermath of this phenomenon when I was going through mine, that I became furious.  I can now see this monster roaming among us.  See it all the time.  Wish I didn’t know about it, because I had more respect for men before I knew this stuff.  Now I know:  WE are NOT the weaker sex.  THEY are.  There are websites, lawyers, youtube videos, support groups, that teach men how to do this to us.  So, WAKE UP, fight back. You, by the way, are the smarter planner, the one who can multitask to the extreme.  Protect yourself in ADVANCE.  If it doesn’t happen?  Wonderful.  I’m just giving you some advance warning about marriage in middle age in America.  Heck, we’re lucky we don’t have stoning in America.  Many of us would die under a pile of rocks.

Surviving the Ordeal

Kindred spirits keep rolling in.  More and more women tell me they experienced being thrown away, and I”m GLAD to hear from them.  Some women are buried or burned or thrown overboard and have no voice now.  So be glad you are here, even when it seems harder to be.

I told you in my book that the ONLY way I survived was through my relationship with God.  It was prayer and the presence of the Holy Spirit that helped me through.  Had I depended on people, I hate to think.  In my world, needy people are annoying, costly and even mentally ill.  Nobody wants to reach out and help, and the ones who do, almost always do it very grudgingly.  So the bottom line is that this is on you.  YOU must survive.

There are angels out there who will help you. One girlfriend saved my life.  She’d pack a suitcase and come my measly apartment, where she would cook for me and sit with me while I slept.  I could sleep when she came, and I could eat.  It was the only time I could.  She’s one of the angels.  There were others.

The GOOD news is that you can do it.  You might have to work three jobs for a while, as I did.  You might never have time to actually rest.  But you can do it.  And you SHOULD do it, because the women this happen to are usually the strong ones in the relationship, the one who made things happen.  So remember that.  And remember that this is a journey, one you didn’t sign up for, but a journey, NOT a destination.  So stand up, take a deep breath, and start over.  One day you will be better off than the asshole who threw you away…in MANY ways, not the least of which is that you are rid of him and his addictive, parasitic, dishonest, cheating, fiscally irresponsible ways.  Did I leave anything out?

It is hard when you think you’ve reached a comfortable place in life, to then have to think about working a menial job…or three of them…and living in a space that would fit into your prior home three times.  But it’s better than being murdered.  It’s better than what many women end up facing. It’s harder when you were the one with assets that the loser stole from you to give to someone else.  But hey, that other woman will get what she deserves and for you?  Life gets way better.  Revenge?  That’s not our job.

And listen.  You are strong; that’s why he targeted you in the first place.  You can survive and when you HAVE, you will feel SO good about yourself, realizing, probably for the first time, your own strength.

You will actually laugh again, and you will reevaluate your entire life.  It takes a long time.  Ten years!  I know. I didn’t believe it either, but it is true.  You will look at ‘love’ for a very long time, and you will realize that men always see love and lust as being the same; women almost never do.  You will realize that ANYBODY who does you harm CANNOT love you, no matter how many times they say it.  And you will realize that any man who starts a checklist of the things you can do for, or offer, him, need to be kicked…really kicked…out the door. And by the way, men who evaluate the appearance of body fat content of a woman are shallow assholes who truly are not worthy of you.  And that’s most of them, by the way.

So for me it has been ten years and I’ve cut so many cords I can’t count them.  I don’t have many people in my life from the past because I had no idea what love and friendship looked like.  I really was not loved in that life.  And I didn’t have many friends.   I thought I did.  Thought I had a lot.  But in actuality, I had a few, and they are with me now, but hey. life is good! It really is.  I am more centered than ever, know myself better than ever, take less shit than ever, and I have survived.  And I am happy.  I live MY life now, doing things like to do, and NOT doing things I don’t want to do.  And…I eat ice cream right out of the carton, sometimes for dinner.

You will survive.  You can do it.  This will pass.  You will be happy again.  You will laugh again.  I promise.


Long time, no talk…

It has been a while since I posted, but it hasn’t been a lazy time.  I am still healing, still battling financial obstacles, still alone.  These are typical activities/situations, for wives who are thrown away in middle age.  And I continue to be shocked and horrified at how many of us are tossed aside by men, just because we lived a long time.

My purpose for this blog was to make women aware of what their future could (and statistically WILL) hold for them, and to prepare them for it.  This is important information, but most women won’t entertain it until it is too late, meaning they are on the trash heap of older women, in shock, trying to figure out how to survive.  That’s not a good place from which to plan our survival.  Take it from one who knows.

I keep seeing reports of ‘missing women’ who ‘ran off with another man’.  First, they’re not missing.  The killer knows exactly where they are, and second, WHY are we always described as ‘running’ off with a man.  I have yet to meet the man who could make me ‘run off’ with him.  The important thing is that women are being killed by their husbands.  WOMEN ARE BEING MURDERED BY THEIR HUSBANDS.  And many are getting away with it.

Something seems to happen to the minds of men who have an affair in mid life, which makes them completely cold and hostile to the women who bore their children and stood by their side through many of life’s challenges.  A younger woman appears to be the brass ring.  Fine.  Be prepared for this to happen.  It’s that simple.

Yeah, maybe your husband is one of the good guys.  But I’M SAYING, “Don’t take that chance.”  If I could go back, I would raise my daughter to never mingle her finances with a man (husband or otherwise), never trust completely (verify everything), and keep a reserve of funds for attorney, private investigator, a new place to live and moving expenses.  That’s just plain GOOD SENSE in present society.

And this may sound overly dramatic, but it’s still true:  Your life could very well be in danger (and the lives of your children), if your husband goes off the tracks in midlife.  You’ve seen the news.  There are a lot of dead women who didn’t know about, nor care to be prepared for, this HUGE phenomenon.  You say, “My husband would never hurt me.”  Well, your husband will be a completely different animal if he goes down this path.  It’s quite scary, the change in their persona.

Girls, it’s a whole different ballgame when you get older and don’t look so hot in a bikini. Particularly if your husband thinks love is lust.

Plowing Through the Wreckage

It’s been a while since I wrote to you out there.  That’s, in part, because I’m getting my life back.  I feel more like me than I have in years.  I was told it would take ten years to shake off the trauma of being thrown away, and that turns out to be pretty accurate.  This metric was given to me by a veteran thrown away wife.  She nailed it.   In another year, it will be 10 years since my ‘armageddon’, and I believe that by that time, I might even be better than I am today.

I feel like me again, finally.  It’s good to be back with my sense of humor, my confidence, my feeling that nothing is beyond my reach.  Remember when I couldn’t remember whether my precious pet was male or female when I went to buy a leash?  When I stood before two bathroom doors, one for men and one for women, being unsure how to proceed?  That terrible cloud is gone forever from my life, that awful lack of ability to think straight.  I feel good again, actually good.  I feel like being around people again.  Remember when I wanted to curl up in a ball and disappear?  Yes, nine years ago, and for many years after I felt that way, that I wanted never to have existed in the universe; it wasn’t enough to hide.

The worst and longest lasting side effect of being thrown away is the broken relationships AROUND the marriage, the collateral damage.  Sometimes those relationships heal in the requisite decade, but not always and not all.  I once wrote that every single relationship in my life was broken, and they were.  Some few are knitting back together and some never will…and some that never will are gladly gone.  I’m a different person now, and some of the people I cared about and whom I believed cared about me…were just fakes.  I can see that now, and can’t believe I couldn’t see it all along. I was surrounded by people who didn’t care about me.  Why? Because I ‘invited’ them in. I didn’t expect to be treated with love and respect, because I had no clue what love really looked like.

But, fellow throw-aways, it is true that healing happens.  It is true that you are not forever gone, you are not worthless, you are not unloved.  It is also true that some of your relationships are gone forever. And that is okay!  Here’s why.

See, when you are broken into so many pieces, even when you are reassembled, you might look like you, but you’re a scarred you, and in some ways, surprisingly, a stronger you.  You are also damned determined never to be broken to that extent again.  If you paid attention along the recovering journey, you have realized some important things about yourself that you never knew before…like how strong you really are.  And I’d bet that you were once a person who gave people a LOT of passes, people who didn’t treat you well.  It’s easy to rationalize away bad behavior when you ‘love’ someone.  But just know, or learn, that giving people passes also gives them permission to treat you badly.  Eventually they learn that they can ‘dis’ you and get away with it, and human nature means that they will continue that behavior and even escalate it.

You teach people how to treat you.

Among the wreckage of my armageddon are fake friendships revealed, traitors and betrayers brought into the light, people’s true feelings about me revealed, and a lot of surprised people who can’t believe I won’t associate with them anymore.  After all, I always let them treat me like crap before!  What’s different now?   Here’s what’s different:  I learned what love it and what it is NOT.  I learned that trust is earned, not handed out freely, and I have learned that an untrustworthy person is….not to be trusted.  Seems simple, doesn’t it?  How many times, though, have you allowed a person to lie to you and still stick around?

The biggest revelation for me was finally understanding what love is.  I questioned it a lot, remember?  How can anyone who EVER loved me do this to me?  Why do people who ‘love’ me, treat me like a virus now, when I need them?  Remember?  Well here’s how:  What they showed me was not love, even though among all of them, they must have said, “I love you!” a thousands of times.  Some of them still do, by the way.  Amazingly, they do.  And I shake my head, partly out of sheer disbelief.  Why?  They really think they do love me.  But I, on the other hand, do not love them.  They do not deserve my love.  They might be around, but will never get within arms length of me again.  Their loss, by the way.

I agonized over love, prayed about it. What IS love that it can be so horrible, so damaging, so hurtful?  Where can I find it, the real thing?  Well, first, love is never horrible, damaging or hurtful.  Love is never any of the negatives.  It’s just not.  Love is good, kind, protective, safe.  In answer to a thousand prayers, I learned that to some, love is possession.  These are the people who bully and badger you into being what they insist you be. To them, you are not good enough the way God created you.  To some, love is abuse.  To them, you are their personal punching bag, there to provide an abusive way for them to destress.  To some, you are a host.  You are there to support them, pay their way in life, feed them and their ego.  They are parasites.

Well, then, what IS love?

Remember when I said it was God, only God, who got me through?  Well that, my friends, is where you find love.  You find the definition of it, literally, and you see the illustration of it, in God’s word.  In answer to a prayer, I was told to stop looking at the wrong illustration of it, and look to God.  If you want to know what love is, read God’s definition. Seems simple, doesn’t it?  But we who are thrown away do not love ourselves enough to understand love.  So yes, look to God’s word. Read the definition.  And start looking away from the ones who do not embody that definition.  Look instead to the ones who live the kind of love day in and day out, and open the door and your heart to them.

And keep walking through the valley.  There is sunshine ahead!

Has Anybody Noticed?

It has been years, now, since I posted my first blog about being thrown away by a husband who lost his mind in mid life crisis mode.  At first, my focus was on survival, and that was all.  Just get through the days and somehow make ends meet.  Along the way, I wrote other things, things about what you will encounter financially that you won’t realize during the armageddon, reminders about expenses you won’t even know are coming.  And now, I’m in another stretch of the valley.  I’m in the part where I can view most of the carnage from the other side of the battle, and where the last of my wounds are still bleeding, but trying to heal.  No, not trying, healing.

I can now see the carnage in HIS life as well: another marriage and another divorce in just a few short years…big surprise.  And cancer.  His, not mine.  I do my best not to let him into my spirit, but occasionally tidbits get dropped in my lap, unsolicited.  One was that he was no longer a ‘star’ in his company, and I didn’t try to get any info about that.  I assumed his behavior had manifested itself again and he’d been called on it.  Maybe; maybe not.  And one was that he has cancer…the bad kind.  That news rattled me a bit, but I can’t make myself feel bad for him.  I think I just don’t feel anything at all…which is amazing considering what I went through because of his indecent behavior.  One would think I would be glad, but I am not.   I believe that what you sow, you reap.  I believe that you cannot sow evil and really expect to reap goodness, though many men do think that.  That would be like planting an orange seed and expecting to grow an elephant.  This is just another story of proof; I’m sorry once again, that it is people whom I know…or thought I knew…who are the protagonists.  I don’t like to see anybody suffer.  But justice will come.  Not through me, but it will always come.  Is that so hard to grasp, when we see it day after day after day right in front of us?  Or am I the only one who notices?

I’m standing high on the banks of the swirling mass of destruction left in the wakes of the ones who came after me with unimaginable vengeance and glee, the ones who took major joy in destroying my life with lies and cheating and underhandedness.  And now I’m thinking about the deaths of loved ones they lost in the process, illnesses they endured and still endure, and even potentially the ending of the main character.  I think about the horrible woman who moved into my home, into my life, thinking it was hers, only to get kicked out herself after a short while.  Evil begets evil.  All I wanted for her was for her to feel the kind of pain you cannot escape, and that surely happened to her.  She knows that  kind of pain and will feel it forever.  Was it worth it, the evil she sowed?  I wonder whether it ever even crosses her mind.  But if it ever did, I’m absolutely sure she would say, “No, it was not worth it.”

And I wonder why people ever dare to step into such evil doings, why they endeavor to heap such pain and humiliation on another human being, let alone someone they once claimed to ‘love’.  I can almost understand how cheating women can try to destroy the wife in the marriage they are trying to break.  That degree of separation must feel safe to them somehow.  But this woman found out she was not only not safe, she was about to face life altering justice in her life.  But men? Do you ever think at all?  Do you ever weigh the pull of lust against the Justice (capital J) promised by God?  It may take time, even years, but you will pay for the harm you sow.  That’s just how it goes.  God is a just God, and he warns against doing harm to his own.  Does anybody notice that?

And I think it just does not make sense, the damage men do to middle aged women.  And then I started watching a movie called King David, and of course there’s the scene where he sees Bathsheba in her bath.  From that second on, David was a man devoid of logic, of heart, of sense, of memory of his love for his wife.  He loved his her!  But that love was gone in the time it took for him to spot Bathsheba.  And he worked it out so that her husband would be killed in battle, bringing justice down on his own head in the form of the death of his first child and consequences that existed for the rest of his life.  Was it worth it?  What happens to men when lust takes over their lives?

Is it so hard to understand that you ruin people’s lives for the sake of it?  Is it really worth it, the carnage you leave in your wake?  When you face your maker, are you going to feel any shame at all about it?  Do you know that you break the hearts of your children, your family members; that you bring shame into your own life an onto your head?  Is that urge so strong that you will really throw everything away for it?  Every single relationship in my life was damaged by the actions of my ex husband and the women, and the men who helped them.  I wonder about their marriages, the other cheaters.  I wonder if they learned anything about the horror of my marriage being set afire by all of them.  It was a huge fire.  I know they saw the flames leaping skyward.  I hope it frightened them to death.  I hope that because they destroyed my life, people who never knew me, and I was a faithful wife, a loyal wife, a real support for my husband.  In other words, I did not deserve what happened to me.  Unless you want to blame me for birthdays.

We hear it every day: Men are visual creatures.  So I say again to women: If you are in middle age, you had better be aware of what is going on in your life.  Don’t be ambushed, as I was, because your once loving and loyal husband becomes an entirely different animal (using that term on purpose) in the throes of lust.  You won’t recognize the person inhabiting your husband’s body; and women today have no qualms about stepping into your marriage, because society doesn’t mind it at all.  And I say again, also, that we are not animals; God gave us dominion over animals, gave us the ability to reason and think through things.  In lust, men become animals, behaving as though they have no power over their base urges.

I think the key is for people to understand the nature of love, and to realize that lust and love are antithetic, if you’re using lust as a representative of love.  Love really has nothing to do with lust.  Think about that.  And I ask you to do that because if you don’t, you are vulnerable.

Notice what your potential spouse thinks love is all about.  If it’s all about the bedroom, run like hell.  You will surely be in danger one day if you don’t, one day along about your fiftieth birthday.

Get Busy!

Okay, another thrown away wife has come on the scene.  Big surprise.  It’s the way of the world.

This one actually believes her husband, who says he “needs some space”.  GOD in Heaven.

LISTEN UP.  Men do not “need space”.  They are usually the first ones to say “I love you” so they can capture a woman. They are children in grown bodies who need mommies.  The ONLY reason they EVER say they “need space” is so they can screw ANOTHER WOMAN.  GET that through your head.  IF YOUR HUSBAND TELLS YOU HE NEEDS SPACE HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND!  Can I be any clearer than that??

This woman is sitting around doing nothing, waiting for her husband to come to his senses.  He controls every single dime of the marital assets, and has asked her to leave so he can have space.  HE DOESN’T HAVE ANY SENSES TO COME TO.   Worse, she is living in someone else’s home, not working, not helping around the house, not doing ANYTHING to help herself.  NOT GOOD.

This woman may be beyond help; maybe she has always been a lump…although I hear she has a college degree and used to be pretty snappy.  But YOU GUYS reading this…will you just get it through your head that the LIKELIHOOD that your husband cheats on you is HUGE.  Read the statistics!  And if he is middle aged, get ready to be thrown away.  TOO BAD, TRUE!  There is a statistical likelihood that he will dump you for a younger woman.   By the way, “getting ready” to be dumped does not mean sitting down and defending the asshole.  You had better know that he will do almost ANYTHING to get rid of you when he is in heat. Some men KILL their wives.  That should TELL YOU SOMETHING!  Listen, you have never seen such a hard hearted, cold, evil persona than a husband caught in an affair and believing he is trapped with HIS WIFE.  IT    IS   FRIGHTENING  to see the change that comes over these “men”.   Believe this:  At that point they would just as soon see you dead.  You had better know this.

Take money out of the account, open one of your own, HIRE A LAWYER and keep moving.  If you sit down and do nothing,  you will first of all be screwed to the wall by your soon-to-be-ex-husband, and second, you will face financial ruin.  Chances are, your husband has already funneled money out of the account like mine did.  Do NOT expect these guys to have ANY regard for your wellbeing.  When they are in heat, all of the blood leaves their teensy little pea brain and goes to the other teensy little part of their body that somehow makes them think they’re wonderful.  They’re not.  Every bit of the thinking and work they do is to figure out how to GET RID OF YOU, and give what you worked for to another woman.  Now if that doesn’t piss you off and make you want to get MOVING, I don’t know what will.  I really don’t.

As much as this happens I cannot BELIEVE how dumb women can be.  I know, you want to trust your husband and you should trust him….UNTIL HE TELLS YOU HE NEEDS SOME SPACE!  I know you are in shock, I know you are traumatized!  But that does NOT mean you can sit down and wait to be destroyed….unless you WANT to be destroyed.  If that’s true, I can’t help you at all.

A note to remember:  If you are not willing to do something to help yourself, don’t expect anyone ELSE to want to help you.  Initial attorney consults are often free.  USE ONE!  And if by some miracle he comes back (I wouldn’t let him NEAR me), you can always reverse the work you’ve done to protect yourself from him.  I’d sleep with one eye open anyway.


I spent a lot of time on the phone today with another thrown away wife.  She is in the throes of asset distribution, and calls me when she it trying to keep the emotion out and logic in.  I remember those days.  I remember the emotional conflict within my soul, because I was feeling every emotion on the list and couldn’t think straight.  She’s doing better than she realizes, though, better than I did.

I made up my mind years ago that I would help women any way I can when they are in this terrible place, and each time it makes me think about how human we all are, and how some of us are happily driven by urges, rather than by intelligent, sensible thinking.  What separates us from animals is our higher brain functions, the ones that make us NOT animals and therefore not subject to control by urges (one would hope).  In other words, men, we are NOT animals.  You are not an animal and by God you don’t get to have it both ways, not with smart women.  Grow up.  Have some pride and self respect.  Be worthy of the women you set out to destroy.

If you listen to pure science rhetoric, or philosophical rhetoric, you hear that men have a natural urge to plant their ‘seed’.  That sentiment makes me want to puke, because it’s an excuse.  Men have an urge. Oh boo hoo.  So do dogs.  So do birds; so do cats; so do snakes.  And here’s another clue for you.  Women have an URGE too, to nurture, to seek out the strongest specimens, to mate with the fittest and THEN, wait for it…to move on to ANOTHER fine specimen.  Oh yeah.  That’s OUR urge.  Once we reproduce with a man we’re “naturally” done with that guy.  Our sexual attraction to that guy fades NATURALLY, and we have the “urge” to move on to the next specimen that trips our trigger.  It’s to keep variety in the gene pool.  Oh you know I’m right.  How many married men whine about how they’re not ‘getting any’.  It’s all natural guys!  Just following our urges. You know, like you do.

SO.  Hello men, women have URGES too.  But many of us actually control them so we can keep on washing your clothes and cooking your meals and LOVING you for more than just the process of reproduction.  Oh, and just so you know?  The “planting of the seed” urge is FOR reproduction; it’s not to make you feel good.  It feels good so you will reproduce.  I know; you couldn’t care less.

What I’m getting at here is that while many people do not believe in monogamy, it IS possible, but it involves intelligent control of “urges” on BOTH sides.  In other words, keep your pants on and stop trolling around for extra-marital sexual stimulation.  OR STOP ASKING WOMEN TO MARRY YOU.  It’s that simple!  If you want to be with a gazillion women (fat chance) then stay single.  And this is a waste of time because the serial cheaters want two things: to feel good and to take your life away from you.

And here’s an interesting tidbit.  Men who got you to marry them so they could own you?  They will not sustain their “charm” when the lust subsides and life settles in.  And it’s that ‘charm’ that made you choose them, be attracted to them.  So they turn off the charm and what happens?  Listen. You can hear married men whining.  But it’s not about them. It’s about both.  The animals don’t want ‘both’, don’t get it, never will get it.  Ya gotta learn how to spot the dogs, the parasites.

Men who throw away women because they are serial cheaters…too nice a term…KNOW they are wrong, that what they are doing is hurting someone who loved them, but they need good women to give them a sense that THEY are good.  And ultimately they are actually looking for a mommy.  Sorry guys.  True.  They are stunted psychologically and they need a mommy to take care of them and to blame for all of their bad behavior.  With these guys, if you know what to look for you can spot the boy in man clothing.  And you can determine their psychological age. I met a ten year old seventy year old recently.  Kid you not.  Was ten when he was ten, was ten when he was seventy, will be ten when he dies.  And boy did he hate me when he knew I saw the ‘real’ him.  It was actually kind of funny.

Cheater men get to attach their sorry butts to good women and hang on until they destroy every good thing in that woman’s life…before they throw her away.  They know they will do it before they do, they know it while they are doing it, and they know it when they cheat and turn on their wife.  They know, and they do it anyway.  And society lets them get away with destroying us financially.  Because they do that too. It’s part of their game.  That’s why SO many women who owned their own homes and were financially secure wind up homeless, scrambling to try to find a place again.  Steam is coming out of my ears.  The woman I talked with today is desperately trying to keep her home!  And the cheater is heartless and trying to hurt her MORE. Which is what they do.  It’s just what they do.

So listen up women.  Please pay attention to these guys and be smart about things.  Learn about how they spend their spare time (is it trolling for sex online or otherwise, for example).  See if they value you for more than an orifice.  See if they EVER care how you feel or here’s a good one….what you THINK about things.  Why did their previous marriage fail?  Here’s the answer:  They cheated.  Don’t sell your house.  Don’t give them money.  Don’t pay their bills.  CALL THE EX and get her side of the story.  If their hobby is their computer?  You know what I’m going to say.  And remember, two of the main characteristics of these guys is charm and the ability to manipulate you.

Relationships between human beings are complex, difficult and beautiful.  Relationships between human women and male dogs?  IMPOSSIBLE.  I don’t care what scientists say about seed planting. It’s an excuse for men to behave like dogs.  Don’t buy it. If women can control our urges, so can men.  Period.  Otherwise, it’s easy.  Stay single.  This is not rocket science.

I hear that it takes ten hears to come out of this valley.  You’ve heard me say that before.  God, I hate it that I’m only in year six.  But it does get better emotionally.  It hasn’t gotten better financially, but I do feel better.  There’s hope.  But each time I touch one of my fellow thrown away wives, some of their desperation and sadness transfers to me, takes me back.  I hate it for them, wish I could take away some of their pain, make them feel better.  But it’s a solo journey and you have to walk each step one by one.  You have to walk through it and survive it.  And nobody sees this coming.  Except the creeps doing the damage.  And that’s a real shame.

I hear that there are good men out there.  Right now, I have serious doubts about that.  The world has changed and you’ve heard me say this too.  Women are becoming…AGAIN…objects.  Our rights are being negated again and we are going backwards in time.  All we can do is be careful whom we open our hearts to.  Because it is our hearts we are concerned with.  Men on the prowl for a host use that fact to their advantage.  So be careful and don’t sell your assets.  Don’t marry ANYBODY until you know their background.  These guys with what I call the ‘sh*#head syndrome’ are everywhere.  I can spot them from a mile away now.  They are always prowling and they ALWAYS want a wife.  It’s how they make part of their living…by taking your assets.

I’m watching it play out again.  And this girl does NOT deserve what she’s going through.