Detecting Infidelity

Remember that this site is dedicated to women over fifty whose husbands plan to throw them away.  Men like to say we get ‘traded in on a younger model’, but that is an horrific description of absolute devastation and humiliation we face this late in life.   It is also a huge sign of their lack of ability to care one whit about what they are doing to us.  Please don’t try to appeal to the ‘years we have had together’ or ‘everything we’ve built together’.  They do not CARE. They have become someone else, someone unrecognizable to us.  A LOT of these men actually KILL their spouse to make way for the girlfriend (there’s a better word for that).  You need to get that, girls.  Some women don’t survive their husbands’ midlife infidelity.

We are thrown away like garbage, with about the same regard for us as what happens to the trash after ‘the throw’.   Men who do this have zero ability to consider the pain they cause us.  They are often psychopaths, and even sociopaths, definitely narcissists, and God help us, we lived long enough to get wrinkles.  That, in their minds, makes us unwanted and unlovable, and more importantly, in the WAY.  We see a lot of crime shows about men who kill their wives, and even their CHILDREN to clear the way for the bitch they pursue.  That may sound harsh, but these women know EXACTLY what THEY are doing to you.  They know.  That makes them equally evil and worthy of the B word.  And you can bet your ass that there are WAY more dead wives than anyone knows about.  This is serious.  I think I’m alive because I discovered the affair early enough to survive it.  I never could have imagined the cold evil behavior of a husband who once ‘loved’ me.  Love…we can talk about that ALL DAY.

Most of us don’t see it coming. That’s why I write to you.  First, in our ‘society’, we SHOULD expect it.  This is what American men do.  Yeah, that’s a stereotype, but if you just look at statistics, I’m right more than I’m wrong about that.  So.  There are signs.  Not that we can stop this from happening; but we CAN be prepared…particularly financially…to survive it.  Wake up, watch what is happening in your marriage, and don’t ever think you’re safe from the combination of predatory women who want what you have worked for your whole life, and husbands who are shallow narcissists.

You know these men.  Nothing is ever their fault; it’s always your fault.  They drag you through their life, rather than forging one that the two of you design together.  They take your life and suddenly you’re living theirs.  They are spoiled and entitled; in their mind, you live to provide their needs to them.  Your finances become theirs and go down the drain as fast as they can make it happen without you noticing too quickly.  YOU are the responsible one in the relationship, the steady hard working one, the fiscally stable one.  You know this stuff.

If the man is the primary or sole wage earner and you do not have a secret account they can’t access, you’re nuts.  And that goes for ALL age groups of women.  At least, for God’s sake, save enough to pay an attorney.

First and foremost, men getting ready to dump us begin to be hyper focused on their appearance.  Why?  Because that’s their nexus.  They view women VISUALLY.  Period.  No regard for our spirit, our intelligence, our heart…forget that.  It’s ALL about how we look; therefore that’s how they think women view THEM.  So they start jogging.  They start shopping for that little teensy sports car that make them look ‘cute’.  Often that car belongs to their WIFE, the one who worked for and bought it, but I digress.  They change how they dress, even get a different hair cut.  They buy different glasses, start going out more with ‘the guys’.  They start working out.  You can spot them a mile away, jogging with their big belly leading the way.  I see them and I say, “Midlife crisis!”

Men start working on arm strength.  This is hilarious.  Mine got an arm tension bar and started using that.  Why?  Think about it.  When was the last time this guy needed arm strength in YOUR life?  Well with the young person they are pursuing, they’re going to be doing a lot of pushups.  Understand? So if any arm strength paraphernalia show up in your home, immediately go see an attorney. hahaha.  And hire a detective to follow them and get evidence of the affair.  That’s THE most important thing.  Evidence.

Listen, this often happens very suddenly.  These husbands see a target who actually gave them the time of day, and they start the plan to destroy YOUR LIFE.  They don’t see it that way because they no longer see YOU.  They never consider at all what they are about to do to you!  You need to understand that.  Usually they are so single-minded about their new goal that they don’t realize how transparent their prep work is.  Don’t do like I did and just think it’s a harmless attempt to thwart aging.  Men are NOT that deep.  If these behaviors start, you are about to become garbage.  Prepare for it.

Don’t get the impression that I despise all men.  I don’t.  Just the ones who are cold-hearted predators.  But the thing is, these assholes are EVERYWHERE, and we women don’t know it because we’ve never been over fifty before!  Only in the aftermath of our life being destroyed can we even process what happened to us!  And that’s if we survive.  Many do not.  And get this: It’s going to take you TEN YEARS to get upright again after they knock you into the pit.  How old will you be in ten years, girls?  See what I mean?

Do I hate what these men do to us, late in life?  ABSOLUTELY.  It is diabolical, unforgivable, makes me wish for them to burn in Hell for eternity.  I met SO many women suffering in the aftermath of this phenomenon when I was going through mine, that I became furious.  I can now see this monster roaming among us.  See it all the time.  Wish I didn’t know about it, because I had more respect for men before I knew this stuff.  Now I know:  WE are NOT the weaker sex.  THEY are.  There are websites, lawyers, youtube videos, support groups, that teach men how to do this to us.  So, WAKE UP, fight back. You, by the way, are the smarter planner, the one who can multitask to the extreme.  Protect yourself in ADVANCE.  If it doesn’t happen?  Wonderful.  I’m just giving you some advance warning about marriage in middle age in America.  Heck, we’re lucky we don’t have stoning in America.  Many of us would die under a pile of rocks.

Surviving the Ordeal

Kindred spirits keep rolling in.  More and more women tell me they experienced being thrown away, and I”m GLAD to hear from them.  Some women are buried or burned or thrown overboard and have no voice now.  So be glad you are here, even when it seems harder to be.

I told you in my book that the ONLY way I survived was through my relationship with God.  It was prayer and the presence of the Holy Spirit that helped me through.  Had I depended on people, I hate to think.  In my world, needy people are annoying, costly and even mentally ill.  Nobody wants to reach out and help, and the ones who do, almost always do it very grudgingly.  So the bottom line is that this is on you.  YOU must survive.

There are angels out there who will help you. One girlfriend saved my life.  She’d pack a suitcase and come my measly apartment, where she would cook for me and sit with me while I slept.  I could sleep when she came, and I could eat.  It was the only time I could.  She’s one of the angels.  There were others.

The GOOD news is that you can do it.  You might have to work three jobs for a while, as I did.  You might never have time to actually rest.  But you can do it.  And you SHOULD do it, because the women this happen to are usually the strong ones in the relationship, the one who made things happen.  So remember that.  And remember that this is a journey, one you didn’t sign up for, but a journey, NOT a destination.  So stand up, take a deep breath, and start over.  One day you will be better off than the asshole who threw you away…in MANY ways, not the least of which is that you are rid of him and his addictive, parasitic, dishonest, cheating, fiscally irresponsible ways.  Did I leave anything out?

It is hard when you think you’ve reached a comfortable place in life, to then have to think about working a menial job…or three of them…and living in a space that would fit into your prior home three times.  But it’s better than being murdered.  It’s better than what many women end up facing. It’s harder when you were the one with assets that the loser stole from you to give to someone else.  But hey, that other woman will get what she deserves and for you?  Life gets way better.  Revenge?  That’s not our job.

And listen.  You are strong; that’s why he targeted you in the first place.  You can survive and when you HAVE, you will feel SO good about yourself, realizing, probably for the first time, your own strength.

You will actually laugh again, and you will reevaluate your entire life.  It takes a long time.  Ten years!  I know. I didn’t believe it either, but it is true.  You will look at ‘love’ for a very long time, and you will realize that men always see love and lust as being the same; women almost never do.  You will realize that ANYBODY who does you harm CANNOT love you, no matter how many times they say it.  And you will realize that any man who starts a checklist of the things you can do for, or offer, him, need to be kicked…really kicked…out the door. And by the way, men who evaluate the appearance of body fat content of a woman are shallow assholes who truly are not worthy of you.  And that’s most of them, by the way.

So for me it has been ten years and I’ve cut so many cords I can’t count them.  I don’t have many people in my life from the past because I had no idea what love and friendship looked like.  I really was not loved in that life.  And I didn’t have many friends.   I thought I did.  Thought I had a lot.  But in actuality, I had a few, and they are with me now, but hey. life is good! It really is.  I am more centered than ever, know myself better than ever, take less shit than ever, and I have survived.  And I am happy.  I live MY life now, doing things like to do, and NOT doing things I don’t want to do.  And…I eat ice cream right out of the carton, sometimes for dinner.

You will survive.  You can do it.  This will pass.  You will be happy again.  You will laugh again.  I promise.