It seems everywhere you go, if people know you, you will end up in a conversation about being thrown away.  What this does for the one asking, is inform them about something they can’t possibly understand.  It’s good that they want to know, most of the time, but still, you can look at their eyes and see that they don’t have a CLUE about the devastating impact of being thrown away.  Good for them that they haven’t experienced the tragedy, and of course you know that if they HAD experienced it, they wouldn’t ask about it.  It’s too painful to re-live.  You guys know this stuff by now.

So I had a really nice visit with some friends yesterday, on the heels of putting flowers on the graves of three loved ones.  I almost added “who died” but then I thought, of course they died: otherwise why would they be in graves?  See how my mind works and how quickly I can run down a rabbit trail?  Stay with me.  It goes back on track.

Anyway it was an emotional endeavor, but it was good to honor my loved ones.  Then I visited my friends and we went to dinner, after which we talked until late into the evening.  One big topic, of course, was my armageddon.  Listen, I really love these people and I know they love me.  I know the reason they ask questions is because they care. And listen, even if they don’t ask directly, the topic bleeds in because you say things like, “When I was homeless…”  Crap like that.

“You were homeless???”  Anddddd off we go.

Afterward, as I drove home…a two and a half hour trek…I cried for the first leg of the trip.  And of course all of the emotion was once again, just at the surface.  And….it got me to thinking…

I hate it when that happens.  But I got to thinking about the people who were in the passing train cars as I suffered, how they shouted misguided wisdom or even sometimes hateful discourse, all in the guise of “help”, OR didn’t bother to look for God’s sake, as they trundled past me into the comfort of their life train…leaving me in a heap beside the tracks…so to speak.  And these are people who LOVE ME PEOPLE!  LOVE!  You can’t make this stuff up!

I’m sure they felt better having shared their misguided wisdom and of course that’s all that matters…that they feel good.   I mean they TRIED to help me, but I just wouldn’t help MYSELF.  Assholes.  No really, that’s what they believe.  GRRRRR.

See, I can’t help but be facetious when I talk about this stuff.  I mean people really piss me off.  I call them smooth-brains.  But I digress.  Again.

What does it mean when you get angry because you get sad?  I think that’s got a label somewhere.

And it suddenly stuck me…nobody hugged me, she said, finally getting to the point.  As broken as I was when I was discarded, as emotionally traumatized as I was, as alone as I felt and as embarrassed as I felt…you know all of the feelings…NOBODY HUGGED ME.  NO BO DY. And I wondered….

Am I unhuggable?  Am I not worthy of having anybody reach out in true caring love?

See, it’s been six years…five years…heck I can’t remember anymore.  Six.  It’s been six years, and  STILL these self destructive thoughts come crashing in.  NO.  I am NOT unhuggable.  And YES I AM worthy of caring love.  By society’s standards I’m more WORTHY of hugs and love than some of the assholes who treated me like garbage and reinforced the trauma.  Oh yeah, I’m in the anger phase.  But the GOOD thing is that I finally GET IT that I’m a VERY good person. And I get it that the train riders are out of my life.  Period.  My standards are higher now.  Oh look: A benefit.

Are you following this crap?  After all of this time, the PARADIGM of having been thrown away and society’s view of it still pollute my emotions.  After all of this time, a deeply seated part of me still believes somehow it’s my fault.  And that’s wrong.  It wasn’t me.  It was a person with no integrity, a liar and cheater, who was at fault.  I was targeted by him BECAUSE I am huggable and BECAUSE I am worthy worthy of love.  Precisely those reasons.  And I happened to have a lot of investment assets, which made me a HUGE target…just so you know I’m not all THAT lovable.  I mean, I’m pretty doggone good, but I’m not perfect.  Close though.  hahaha.

Bottom line is this.  After you send some anonymous cash to someone…as I suggested in the last blog entry?  HUG THEM, DAMNIT.  It doesn’t cost you a DIME to give someone a hug…and not a meaningless AIR HUG.  I mean a REAL HUG, and let them know they are NOT invisible and that they DO matter.  And if you are not trying to pick their POCKET while you hug them, then you just might be a keeper 🙂

And oh, while my anger phase is in full swing?  I still have my sense of humor.  HA.  The cheating, lying asshole couldn’t take THAT.

I’ll try to be nice next time, but I can’t promise.  The anger phase is good for me.  And NECESSARY.  That’s what all of the experts say…

I’ll be back.