When you have been thrown away, chances are you work more than one job, as I do. I’m down to two jobs, but it seems I spend a lot of mental energy running numbers through my head, calculating debt versus income. That FEELS just like working three jobs, which I did for several years. But the good thing is that after 5-plus years, I’m beginning to feel more normal. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel; it remains to be seen whether I will get there or not. Most women say it takes a good ten years. Horrible to think, but I can believe it. But I’ve walked this path long enough to see that it DOES get better. Listen, I’m a skeptic and I’m telling you: It does get better…if you let it.
In our youth, we were used to things happening faster for us. Those days are gone; it doesn’t work that way for women our age. Things go more slowly because it’s harder for us. It just is, not because we are less able, but because people stereotype us that way. Makes smoke come out of my ears, because I’m the smartest person I know. Hands down. But people see me and think I’m just not able…whatever they need ABLE to mean. We are discriminated against every single day.
I had a friend whose husband, after 5 years, still has not given her a dime, still has not returned her half of the equity in their assets, which are substantial. He’s obviously playing the courts well, and it’s terrible to think about, but it happens. This guy is an attorney, so none of the judges will do what’s needed to get this case resolved. Lesson to be learned is this: Don’t marry an attorney. But heads up. Don’t let this kind of thing drag on. Find a way to get this kind of behavior publicized. Make sure you have documentation and then let it fly. This is becoming a typical behavior for cheating husbands, to not only throw us away, but to then get away with not giving us our rightful share of assets we helped to build, or even built before they brought their sorry behinds into our lives.
Anyway, since we talked last time, I’ve lived a bit, survived a bit longer, and learned more about this journey. For me, the biggest challenge aside from finances, is that all of my relationships were damaged, not just the marriage. Everyone within reasonable proximity to “the killing” was injured to some extent and yep, we do get thrown out with the bathwater. So I hear your posts, the part about being so alone. I’m working on that now, planning to make 2016 a year of getting back out there and rediscovering MY pleasures, the things that bring me joy. I challenge you to do the same. Reach out and be our own person again. It’s hard at first, but slowly, we remember how to do it.
You know they talk about the “donut hole” with regard to healthcare benefits, or used to anyway, but I think women in their 60’s have one too. Men our age want women from 30’s to 50’s, and NO WAY any woman in their 60’s, even if the 60’s men look like a train wreck. Speaks to the whole reason we were thrown away in the first place. But seems like women in their SEVENTIES suddenly become sought after. Are you kidding me?
I get a kick out of reading the profiles of these men looking for younger women. They can’t spell, they have big bellies and no hair, but they are so sure they can demand a youngster. Makes me laugh. What’s really fun is when they are being so stern about their requirements and at least one word per sentence is misspelled, particularly if they want to be intellectually challenged by the woman they seek. And intellectually us often misspelled too. Too funny. But they don’t hesitate to throw the bait out there. Gotta give them that. And then there are the 70-ish year olds who claim to be 60-something. Don’t get me started.
So the important thing about us, the throw-aways, is that we have to learn to live for ourselves, notwithstanding the guys out there still trying to be kids. We have to find OUR joy again, do the things that make us happy and give us peace. It’s hard because we’ve been the care givers, the nest tenders, the supporters. But take heart. Time makes this new way of thinking slowly come into focus. And listen, don’t worry about not having a man in your life…other than for the heavy lifting and stuff…because until you are healed, you really are doing NO favors to either yourself or your date. Get selfish, get used to being by yourself, and allow your self to heal. It takes a LONG time and you have to work very hard at it. Whining is not working, by the way.
Listen. You can’t sit down and cry and you can’t sit down and kick you feet and scream and spin around in a circle either. You have to MOVE. Nobody’s going to come and rescue you. Let me say that again: NOBODY’S going to come and rescue you. There are no knights in shining armor and if there were, they’d be looking for a thirty year old in a bikini. Trust me, even now, there are guys who are only interested in an orifice. It never ends. You do NOT need that right now. If you heal and you want that, good for you. I have a very high IQ, am something of a Renaissance woman, and I have a wonderful heart and spirit (until you cross me). I expect my good qualities to be important to anyone who wants to occupy my time. I’m more than an orifice. That is part of me, but I matter. My heart matters, my intellect matters, I’m a good person, a great catch. I am worth far more than physical tender. It took a long time for me to realize that again, after what I went through. But I’m there. I’m hoping my “militant” side will soften a bit as I continue on this journey, but the GOOD thing is that I have some self confidence back and I know what to expect from men now. Exactly what to expect.
So stand up. Get used to being by yourself, because we are all alone anyway. Do all you can to survive and reach out to other women, friends who bring light and hope into your spirit. Stay away from the whiners. They don’t want to move forward, away from the tragedy. They want to sit and wait to be rescued…which will never happen. If you wait with them, you’re burning precious daylight. We don’t have that much longer; we have to make the most of the time we have. And I mean time to be happy and do things that bring us joy.
I get lonely too, but then I remember how great it is to eat ice cream right out of the carton if I want to, and how nice it is to not be cheated on and lied to. The universe balances. It’s going to be fine. It just takes time, and I’m still here, still making progress. It can be done.